Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pass the kleenex

Last night while watching The Biggest Loser, which is normally a very uplifting and inspiring show, I broke down.  You see, a man on the show had a bad week, some might say an awful, terrible, sucky week.  First, he fell during a challenge and re injured his knee which had hindered his progress in the past.  Then, because he fell, he came in last and was given a disadvantage at the weigh-in.  Finally, when he didn't think his week could get any worse, he was notified that his brother had passed away from cancer.  His pain and grief were substantial and he went after his workouts as if he were possessed.  At the end of a particularly strenuous exercise, he lost his sh*t.  He started beating the machine, yelling and crying.  Jillian comforted him and they took a walk outside for him to clear his head and get out his rage.  I broke down.  Lost it...went straight to the ugly cry.

Seven years ago, Bubba lost his brother.  Way before his time.  Thirty three years old.  Married six months.  Getting ready to start his family.  Just gotten on his feet after years of wandering and wondering.  Found his place in the world.  Then he died.  Suddenly.  Of appendicitis.  I know.  No one dies of appendicitis, right?  But he did.  After fighting for his life for 30 days, finally his body just gave out.  It was devastating.  He was full of life, loved to laugh, cook, tease, create, had an immense imagination and a thousand crazy ideas.  He was the best man at our wedding and he painted stars on the ceiling of the nursery for BoyBoy.  He was the brother I never had.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him.  Bubba and I have often talked about how we truly believe that J's soul has found a home in BoyBoy.  They share the same imagination, the same inventiveness, the same love of all things Star Wars.  They have the same sense of humor, quick wit, and flair for the dramatic.  It seems to be J's little way of telling us that he is sharing BoyBoy with us, watching over him, watching him grow.  He loved BoyBoy as if he were his own and he knew that they had a connection from the beginning.

It made it painfully obvious to me last night that there are some changes that I need to make in my life.  Forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, redemption all need to come front and center.  No regrets.  When something bothers me, I will speak up.  When someone hurts me, I will tell them.  When I love someone, they will know it.  I will listen more, talk less (ha ha ha).  I will make a bucket list and try to cross off everything on it.  We are not promised tomorrow and should live everyday as if it were our last because,one day, we will be right.

An epiphany of sorts?  Maybe.  Midlife crisis?  I hope not.  A new beginning?  Definitely.