Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What not to do in the carpool line...

BoyBoy's school has a double lane carpool line.  I spend a good deal of time in this line every afternoon waiting for him to get out of school.  There is a fine line between being too close to the front of the line and being stuck back in BFE.  If I am too close to the front of the line, BoyBoy might not get outside in time for me to get to the front of the line and I will be forced to circle the parking lot and end up at the back of the line like some disorderly kindergartner.  If I am too far back in BFE, BoyBoy will think that either I forgot to pick him up or panic that I have been in an accident and am bleeding on the side of the road (he comes by his worry gene naturally).  There is jockeying that goes on amongst the carpoolers.  Some will sit in the parking lot ready to pounce when the line gets just the right length.  Others will arrive up to 45 minutes early so that they are the first ones in line.   I am usually one of the former.  I will sit in my car in the parking lot until the line gets exactly the right length and then jump in.  This has given me plenty of time observing what people do in the carpool line while waiting for their children.  It is sometimes funny, sometimes scary, sometimes disgusting, and often just plain weird.  I have compiled a list of things NOT to do in the carpool line.  Here they are in no particular order...

1.  Pick your nose
2.  Check out the enormous boogie that emerged from your nose
3.  Flick said boogie out the window at the next car
4.  Make your gyno appointment with your windows down, loudly explaining your symptoms to the nurse.
5.  Sing at the top of your voice to Air Supply
6.  Sing at the top of your voice to Pink
7.  Sing at the top of your voice to anyone...
8.  Have phone sex with your husband, boyfriend, or anyone else
9.  Get out of your car, go into the building and not emerge until after the carpool line has had to leapfrog your car a thousand times.
10.  Forget to turn off your blinker and sit there with it on
11.  Talk on the phone to someone about the boy in your child's class who stutters and who's mother should have taken him to the speech therapist weeks ago - that boy's mother might just be sitting next to you in carpool line.
12.  Talk on the phone to someone about the girl in your child's class who's skirts are always a bit too short and shirts a bit too revealing, question her mother's parenting skills, and cast dispersions on her father for allowing her out like that...see above.
13.  Read a book, magazine, paper, etc and forget to look up every now and then to see if the line has moved
14.  Honk at someone who is doing the above, they will move eventually
15.  Jump out of your car, grab your kid, and try to leapfrog the line.  If you are in such a hurry, park and go in a get your kid.

That's all I have at this point in the year.  I am sure there will be more...stay tuned.


Anonymous said...

16. Fall asleep in your car and drool down your shirt.


(army)Wife said...

Hahahaha! That is too funny! Phone sex in the carpool that's a busy couple.